From Window Licker to Unicum

Basic and Advanced information and resources for getting better.
Forum rules
Noob (and not Noob) Stuff
Basic and Advanced information and resources for getting better.
Post Reply
User avatar
Posts: 250
Joined: Mon Aug 06, 2018 5:28 pm
Location: Texas

From Window Licker to Unicum

Post by Rubicite » Wed Nov 14, 2018 2:49 pm

This was written a while ago by an EU player named Animaxxa, a super unicum (overall WN8 of 3400). Some of what he's written is humorous and some is abrasive. His advice to increase your random battle stats:

After seeing a lot of bad advice given from bad players to even worse players, I decided to write a short guide on how to be less shit at this game and also to complain about this subreddit. This guide is intended for players who are new and complete utter garbage at this game, but even more dedicated morons, who are already influencing our future generation of useless bots might find something useful here. If you get offended easily, please stop reading right here and fuck off.

Before you even think about hitting that big juicy battle button, you have to stop being shit in your garage.

Enable horizontal stabilization in sniper mode (your camera actually stays on your target, instead of spinning like an autistic kid when you turn your hull)
Disable dynamic camera (that retarded recoil effect just takes your vision)
FOV: 120 (you obviously want to see as much potential damage as possible)
Texture, Terrain, Draw Distance: as high as possible
Decals quality: Low (you can’t wank to your gunmarks with that setting disabled)
Enable foliage transparency, disable everything else.

I see many players asking for equipment suggestions for their tanks and getting shitty advice, like slapping binos and camo net on their lights and td’s or even fucking heavy spall liners, because ARTA. As your main goal is to farm as much damage in the shortest time possible, you obviously want to improve only your DPM and gun handling. On meds and lights I put optics over vents, because those tanks are actually somewhat useful for spotting, and you eventually will have to spot either for marks or if the mental capabilities of your team restrict them to sitting in the base. There are obviously some exceptions to that order, but those are rare.

Heavies: Rammer > Vert Stab > Vents > GLD > Optics
Meds and Lights: Rammer > Vert Stab > Optics > Vents > GLD
TDs: Rammer > Vents > Optics > GLD
Arta: Bad for wn8, playing it causes irreparable brain damage. If you still want to play it, go fuck yourself.

Crew Skills:
6th Sense > Everything else. Some people say, that they don’t need 6th sense, because they know when they are spotted… yeah go and fucking guess if there’s an enemy light in e1 bush on Prokhorovka you imbecils.

Repairs: Top pick on everything, except for lights and TD’s with shitty armor (Skorpion, Grille). 2nd pick on lights and shitty armored TD’s.

Camo: Top pick on lights and low armoured TD’s, 2nd choice on meds and most of high armored TD’s. Completely useless on heavies and low camo TD’s (E3, JPE100).
BIA: I like having as 3rd skill on everything (you obviously have to skip repairs/camo on commander for that).

All other skills are up to your taste and tank, except for those in trash tier.

Trash tier: Mentor, Preventative maintenance, Controlled impact, Relaying, Signal Boosting, Call for Vengeance.

Tier to play: 10!!!
I see many suggestions, that you should stay at tiers 5-7 in order to improve your gameplay. DON’T. JUST FUCKING DON’T. Those tiers are full with shit players and you will learn absolutely nothing by watching them, battling against them and will just get bad habits regarding your positioning and general playstyle. If you’re new to tier 10, you will feel like a nun, which took a wrong turn and ended up in a double penetration vid. But that’s the point. You don’t become a professional football player, by training with the Paralympics team.

Tier 10 tank choice:
Noob’s choice: Object 140. The Volkswagen Golf of Tier 10. It has everything you need in order to learn how to play this trash of a game: DPM, accuracy, armor, mobility. It’s literally impossible to complain about the map rotation in this tank, because that bitch is the perfectly cooking, money earning, kids raising wife you will never have.

BUT, BUT, reddit told me to play IS7. And that’s one of the most stupid things which is being suggested and accepted on this subreddit. You don’t learn how to redline, neither how to flex in a heavy. In 80% of the games you either steamroll a flank and are too slow for the clean-up or you get steamrolled and are unable to run due to your lackluster mobility.

But I need those heavy missions: WZ-111-5a. If you somehow managed to learn how to follow the lemming train and want to finally lead one, that’s your pimp mobile. Try to go for spots where mediums usually brawl and slap them until they call you Daddy.

When you finally think, that you know how to play the game… think again. You are still shit and are just overestimating your skill. But to let your e-penis grow there’s only one true Viagra dealer at tier 10: TVP 50/51. You know how it feels to hear 4 HEAT rounds enter your worthless body in 4,5 seconds? Well, I don’t, because I’m not shit and don’t drive in front of that overpowered Czech dragon dildo spitter.

The last tier 10 worth mentioning, if your goal is to git fucking good at this game is the Bot-Chat (in your hands for sure). Best tier 10 light in the game and a true king at separating pussies, who cry about getting 5 city maps in a row and real man who somehow manage to get into heavies’ sides and trade 5 for 1.

Gameplay tips:
There’s a metric shit ton of guides, which tell you how to get “good” at this game. Be aggressive, spot for your team, watch the map and more of this bullshit. There are actually just 2 simple goals, which you have to achieve in order to become a purple mongoloid: DO DAMAGE and DON’T DIE. But how to do both at the same time?

ALL FOR ONE, AND ONE FOR ONE. Always try to play in the 1,5th line. Let your teammates get shot, let them spot, capitalize on your team’s mistakes, never fucking ever offer your HP, unless it’s at least a 2 for 1 trade damage wise, or opens an opportunity to farm more damage afterwards. BUT be in the god damn fucking front, instead of wanking in the base. You gotta keep your gun busy after all. Only if your team is completely incapable of spotting and refuses to brawl, it’s up to you to do the dirty job and risk your tank for a biscuit.

DIE LAST. This one is very important. No matter how well you play, you are going to get teams which seem to be full of failed abortions. If your flank collapses, RUN, try winning the other one. If the other flank collapses, RUN. Redline is your best friend. Only if you sacrificed everyone on your team and are the last one alive, you are allowed to die.

The last tip I can give on how to play tier 10 if you are a complete dumbass, is to install XVM and to follow the player with the highest WN8 on your team, who plays a similar tank to yours (if it’s me, don’t block me you monkey, and don’t try to get into the same fucking bush). If you die, keep watching the best player on your team and at least try to understand his decision making. If there’s no one with above 2k wn8, or 3k+ rerolls, just leave.

Playing this game can be quite exhausting, and even I can’t handle it for more than 3 hours. But there’s still a good source on how to get good, even if you aren’t playing:

Watching streams is the fastest, easiest and least exhausting way to learn how to not be a completely useless moron in the beginning of the game. Try using the positions the streamers are using, watch the climbs, but use your brain when actually playing the game. You obviously won’t farm 10k damage while playing the same spot some famous streamer did, if you go there to defend a 1v15 or ignore the enemy team composition. Regarding the mid- and lategame decision making, streams tend to fall off in their educational effect, as there is a lot more possible outcomes compared to an early game distribution of both teams.

[FAME] is usually a somewhat good indicator that the player you watch doesn’t suck. The most famous are: Dakillzor, Aniallator, Mailand and CarryBarry.

Russian Streamers: Ex-Navi (Straik, Kirilloid), NSS (Beowulf), Tornado (Near_you) guys. Those stream kind of inconsistent, but are really worth a watch even if you don’t understand Russian.

I don’t have much experience with NA streamers, but from what I’ve seen while being up late in the night on EU: they are garbage.

But what’s with Quickybaby and skill4ltu? If that’s the type of player you want to become, this guide wasn’t intended for you.

If you play 4-5k games following this simple guide, you should be able to achieve slightly purple stats. If you still suck at the game, just donate your useless body for medical experiments, as teaching a lab rat on crack how to play this game is probably easier than to teach you.

User avatar
Posts: 1200
Joined: Wed Feb 28, 2018 10:57 am
Location: New England

Re: From Window Licker to Unicum

Post by MacDaddyMatty » Wed Nov 14, 2018 3:28 pm

Good stuff.
I have settings to adjust...
You either die a hero, or live long enough to see yourself become the villain.

Post Reply